Hear Me Out

Of all the health measures - sleep, VO2, grip strength, steps - the most important, if your goal is to live a long, fulfilling life, is social connection.

Fitness expert Dan Go wrote in a recent newsletter,

Nadia, like many 12 year old girls, struggles to be interested in others. 😬

A while back, when I was particularly annoyed at her indifference to our guests, I asked her if she thought I was smart.

She looked at me quizzically. Like, Is this a trick question?

I could see her hesitation so I followed it up quickly with, "Am I as smart as your dad?"

That answer came more easily.

No.

"Do you think I've been successful in my life?"

Yes.

"How did I get to be successful if I'm not super smart?"

I don't know.

I went on to explain that I have gotten opportunities in life in part because of the relationships I developed.

I've had the privilege of befriending many people who positively influenced me, did me favors, and made connections for me that changed the trajectory of my life.

I was trying to explain to her the importance of making friends.

I just wrote last week about mental health and the importance of letting kids be sad, mad, angry... let them feel all the emotions!

In our house, we aren't encouraged to stay there however.

Nadia has fully embraced the classic role of sullen pre-teen more than once. We acknowledge that the hormonal waves moving through her body and brain are real, but struggling is not a free pass for disrespect.

We can validate her feelings without excusing poor behavior.

Feeling angry, overwhelmed, or moody is human. Speaking to people carelessly because you are is a skill gap - not a personality trait.

So we practice.

There is a difference between letting a child experience their emotions and allowing those emotions to spill into everyone around them. Misery doesn't have to become a group project.

I'm talking about social skills.

Nadia is an introvert - and that's wonderful! The world needs thoughtful, observant, reflective humans.

But introversion isn't an exemption from learning how to connect. In fact, it's a prominent reason to work even harder at it... So we practice - manners, eye contact, asking questions, showing interest in other people, stepping outside the comfort zone long enough to build relationships.

I don't need her to be like me (yes, I've been called outgoing once or twice) but I do want her to have the skills to walk into a room and feel capable - not confined.

Because confidence isn't about being the loudest voice in the room, it's about knowing you can navigate it.

Let's Prepare - the warm up

It feels to me like we've swung from one extreme to the other. When I was growing up, kids were barely allowed to have an opinion - let alone voice their feelings.

Then the pendulum swung hard in the opposite direction: express yourself at all costs, be unapologetically you, even if it makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

I understand the heart behind that message. Of course we don't want kids shrinking themselves to fit in. But confidence without consideration isn't strength - it's self-centeredness.

Teaching a child that their freedom to "be who they are" overrides other people's freedom to choose their company sets them up for some hard lessons later.

Authenticity is important, but so is mutual respect. Both can exist at the same time - and that's a balance worth aiming for.

Let's Work - the exercise

I'm not here to hand you a script for this one. You may not even agree with me - and that's ok. I'd genuinely love to hear your perspective.

I will say that your family will benefit from open and frequent conversations around this topic.

We talk about what kind of friends we want in our house. The traits we're drawn to. The kind of people we hope to become.

Designing your character is far more powerful than reacting to your moods.

Who do we want to be known as?

Do we want to exude happiness or sadness?

Are we confident enough to express or show vulnerability?

Do we treat others as we want to be treated?

Again it's back to deciding who our Ideal Woman is, then setting about creating her.

She doesn't appear by accident. She's built - choice by choice, response by response.

And yes, anyone has the right to be sullen, rude or chronically moody. But they should also understand that others have the right to choose the company they keep.

We create our atmosphere, so let's be intentional.