Hello Anger

I just finished Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach... for the second time.

If you've been around here for a while, you know I talk about acceptance often. Not because I've mastered it mind you. It's one of the things I struggle with most.

It came up again in my recent conversation with friend, fellow mom, and therapist, Theresa Grzebinski, so I pulled the book out again.

It is SO GOOD.

I know your "Books To Read" list is already out of control, so as my son would say, "I got you."

Here's what I found most impactful.

Let's Prepare - the warm up

We are moving through life in what Brach calls a trance of unworthiness - constantly resisting, fixing, or avoiding the emotions that rise up in us.

Pausing to embrace each present moment with compassion (for ourselves, the emotions we feel, and those to blame for the experiences) offers a way through to healing and freedom.

Of course I'm not going to do her words justice, but stop for just a moment with me here please...

Think about the last moment that rattled you. A kid meltdown. Traffic. A frustrating conversation.

Notice how you feel. Where do you feel it?

For me, it's in my stomach.

Your immediate tendency will be to suppress or resist it, but instead, I want you to do the opposite.

Welcome the emotion.

Acknowledge it's existence at least.

Maybe you call it by name. "Hello anger."

Invite it to sit down next to you.

Maybe you feel guilty for having the emotion. Welcome that too. Brach suggests as you sit and notice all the waves, you might even just say, "This too."

Notice what happens as you stop any resistance toward it and just let it be.

I notice it gets smaller. I feel like it moves right through me, instead of getting stuck in the walls I usually put up around it. My stomach loosens. My spirit lightens. The intensity does not carry so much weight anymore.

What do YOU feel happening?

Even our emotions just want to be seen. And if we can't offer that to ourselves... we will keep demanding it from everyone around us.

I saw this play out in real life one chaotic morning when the kids were maybe 10 and 6.

The house was loud. (Ok, I was loud.) I was overwhelmed. Snapping, rushing, unraveling.

I carried it all the way into the car.

In a pause (probably me grabbing more air to continue) I heard from the backseat, the calmest, sweetest little voice, "I'm sorry you're having a rough morning mom."

It stopped me in my tracks.

Someone had noticed my feelings, so I didn't need to continue showing them off. I softened immediately.

Of course guilt and shame followed. (Pretty sure I cried after dropping them off.) But Izak did for me that morning, what we need to be able to do for ourselves.

By pausing to acknowledge the feelings we feel surging through us, we are allowed the space to choose our next words and actions from more level ground.

Another worthwhile practice she suggests is saying "Yes" whenever we feel ourselves resist, tense, or restrict.

I tried this the other day while playing tennis. I had missed my first serve and immediately felt the self-judgement creep in. My chest tightened. My muscles tensed.

I remembered this concept of saying "Yes" and whispered it to myself before attempting the second serve.

I literally felt my muscles relax and my mood lighten.

I honestly don't remember if I made my second serve or not! But I do remember it put my body and mind in a MUCH better position to.

That alone was impressive to me.

Let's Work - the exercise

Brach teaches the RAIN technique for self-compassion.

• Recognize what is happening (acknowledging the emotion or sensation).
• Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
• Investigate with kindness (looking at the feeling with curiosity).
• Nurture yourself with self-compassion (offering care to the inner suffering).

Imagine this - What if your kids heard you say out loud: "I'm feeling really frustrated right now... I'm going to sit with that for a second."

That is some serious strength. That's leadership.

We don't need to control every emotion. We need to stop fighting them so we can move past them.

The goal isn't to feel better all the time. It's to get better at feeling - without losing ourselves in the process.